I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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