is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
