I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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