Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
