just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
