your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
