yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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