Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
