At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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