I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
