I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
