All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
