I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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