Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
