we're blogging at a bar
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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