God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
