This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
