I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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