u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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