there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
