i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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