Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
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There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
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I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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