This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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