Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
this beer tastes like vomit already
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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