she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
