It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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