Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
