all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
