I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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