Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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