I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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