Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
