The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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