All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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