Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
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