They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he fucked my hip out of place.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
