it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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