I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
