This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
