It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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