We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
