I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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