true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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