so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
