We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
