you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
