i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
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It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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