UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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