During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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