all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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