If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
