i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
