I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
