Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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