i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
