even my farts smell like vagina
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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