At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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