if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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