did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
